Lies of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
by iwantyourjeep
Summary: Parody of the novel. What if You-Know-Who had never hated, but in fact, had loved others? Cannon Pairings, OOC. please read and review! I promise it will be better than this crappy summary.


**Disclaimer: This **_**is**_** a parody of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone so there will be some lines that are directly taken out of the original novel. The characters and original plot is**_** all **_**J.K. Rowling's work and all rights belong to her. I do not own anything.**

The Boy On The Doorstep (Part I)

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were not your normal next door neighbors. On the contrary, they were very unusual indeed.

Mr Dursley was a film director, and was very well known. However, he was not known for his consistency. One of his movies could make it to the Oscars, yet the next one would be bottom of the box office. Mr Dursley had quite a lot of ridiculous ideas which he always tried to cram into the movie he was currently working on. On set, he would suddenly have the idea that flash the spotlights onto the actors would make the effects better. Or he would tell the actors out of the blue that the scene would be better if they stomped around in swimsuits instead of jackets and boots. The strangeness of Mr Dursley showed in his appearance as well. He had mismatched eyes, one brown and one blue. He was a very short man with big hands and feet. The way he dressed was, well, there was only one word to describe it, it was bizarre. He would wear a bright red and white dotted tie with a polo shirt and shorts to an important business meeting.

Mrs Dursley was not much different to her husband. She was a thin woman with good looks and a charming smile. If you had seen her walking down the street, you could wrongly think that she was a model. Mrs Dursley, having no job, would spend her extra time wheeling her son, Dudley down the streets and giving out sweets, hugs and kisses to anyone she passed. She also dressed in a funny way like her husband, but in a way that made her look even better than she already was. This delightful couple had a small son, Dudley, and in their opinion there was no worse child anywhere.

The Dursleys were not know to complain, the one thing they really ever complained about was Dudley. Dudley, the boy that kept them up at night, Dudley the boy that never listened to them, Dudley the boy that ruined daddy's tapes and scripts, Dudley the boy that stole all of mommy's sweets.

Most people loved the Dursleys, and very few didn't. One of the few that disliked the Dursleys, or rather, hated the Dursleys were the Potters. Mrs Potter was Mrs Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs Potter had pretended she didn't have a sister at all. The Potters were also quite unusual as well. They were very full of themselves and disliked everyone that was different to them, such as the Dursleys. The Drusleys didn't know much about the Potters, due to the lack of contact, they did know, however, that they had a small son around the same age as Dudley. They had never met the son of the Potters however much they had wanted to, the Potters had not allowed it.

This story begins on a normal Tuesday morning. Mr Dursleys whistled loudly as he pick another strange outfit to wear for work and Mrs Dursley walked down the road to the shops, hugging everyone she saw and giving all the children sweets. This morning, Dudley had been left at home by Mrs Dursley as he had refused to be put into the baby stroller.

Mr Dursley drove to his set, with no idea how unusual his day was about to become. After he parked in the car park, the film director accidentally bumped into a man. The man was quite like Mr Dursley in the way they dressed. He had a long flowing red cloak on, with red and yellow striped pants on. Mr Dursley smiled at the man.

'Good morning!' Mr Dursley smiled.

The stranger did not reply, instead he pushed his way past Mr Dursley rather abruptly. Mr Dursley also seemed to hear him muttering something under his breath, it had sounded something like 'stupid muggle.'

Mr Dursley frowned as he walked into his studio, 'what on earth was a muggle?' he thought to himself.

It was possible that he had just simply misheard the stranger, but Mr Dursley made a mental note to look up the word 'muggle' in the dictionary.

Meanwhile, Mrs Dursley hugged Ms Figg from across the street, who always smelled like cat food, but Mrs Dursley wasn't complaining. Mrs Durlsley patted Ms Figg's tubby cat and continued to the shops. She stopped when she saw someone she had never seen before. And that was something as Mrs Durlsey knew almost everyone in the neighborhood from strolling the streets all day.

She gave the stranger a cheery smile and a wave, 'How are you today?'

The stranger did not look up, he quicken his pace and was out of sight in seconds.

The stranger, in fact, was very similar to the man that Mr Dursley had passed; he too was dressed in a long cloak with mismatched clothing.

Mrs Dursley looked up at a screeching sound and found a large brown barn owl in the air flying in the opposite she was going. The owl seemed to be carrying something. The sight of the owl shocked Mrs Dursley. She frowned (which was not something she did often), hailed a taxi and abandoned her plan to visit the shops. She spent the rest of her day at home, trying to keep Dudley in line.

Mr Dursley smiled as he walked to the bakery to get a bite for lunch. He had been having a very successful day so far, and he was sure the movie he was working on would become a number one hit. He had forgotten all about the cloaked person he had bumped into until he spotted a group of cloak people just outside the bakery. They were all huddled together and seemed to be whispering excitedly.

Mr Dursley heard gists of what they were saying.

'…yes, the potters…'

'their son… harry he….'

'old muggle lover's gone! …'

Mr Dursley stopped dead when he heard them. The Potters? Could this have anything to do with his wife's sister? The Dursleys had not heard from their relatives in a long time, and longed to contact them. The only thing that had kept them from doing so, is that they feared how they would be treated. Mr Dursley was worried. Had something happened to his sister-in-law? He knew that she had a son, but he wasn't sure of the name. It was something like Howard, or even Harvey.

No, no, no, Mr Dursley told himself, he was being stupid. He was sure that there were loads of people named Potter. He had never seen his nephew and he didn't even think his name was Harry. Now he thought of it, he was sure that it was Harvey. Another thing that had bothered Mr Dursley was the usage of the word muggle again. He made sure he looked it up once he reached his office in the studio but he, disappointedly, found nothing.

That night, Mr Dursley went home to put his son into bed. (Dudley had kicked and kicked to be allowed to stay up but with no luck.) He went back into the living room to catch the last report on the evening news:

'And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly seen during daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern.

'It's not only the owls that have been acting weirdly today. Viewers have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I had promised, they've had a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early – it's not until next week, folks!'

Mr Dursley cleared his throat, 'Petunia, dear, have you heard from your sister lately?'

'No…' Mrs Dursley replied.

'The funny stuff on the news… and I've seen some funny people on the streets today… even heard some funny sounding stuff, maybe this has something to do with… you know.'

'Her lot?' Mrs Dursley guessed, 'I guess it is, I hope her and her family are okay.'

'I hope so too…' Mr Dursley trailed off.

The Dursleys got to bed. Things happened all the time, they told each other, and there are so many of … them out there that nothing would have happened to the Potters!

How very wrong they both were.

**To be continued! I've decided to write the chapter in two parts as there is quite a lot to say. Please review! Share your love and hate!**


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